Strong enough
by Schwertlilie
Summary: Celebrian, Melian and an unusual take on their woes. They meet at Tol Eressea, shortly after the ring war. (no slash) Rated T for angst, and implied violence.


Strong enough

Celebrian took her usual walk through the woods of Tol Eressea. The wind in the trees and the scent of the flowers were sweet as ever, and to her delight, she heard that blackbird sing. She had raised him many years ago. Even they enyojed life's bliss here more fully. She whistled him a welcome and walked deeper into the forrests than she normally would. Celebrian had to fight her way through the thorniest thickets to find a truly lonely place. One of the disadvantages of living on an island. She had told her handmaiden to send away all visitors, and she wanted to avoid being spotted. She could not stand the looks and words of her kin and friends any more. She hated pity, and more so pity for something long since passed. Her thoughts and memories came and went, but she didn't feel like dwelling on them now. For a moment she envied her parents. They could say farewell now to her Children and beloved Middle-earth at peace, knowing that the enemy was gone for good. On the other hand, who knows if that was easier? She let the sounds and sights arround her fill her mind, nature was just as lovely here, only different.

She walked on idly, feeling nothing else than the warmth of the sun. Then she had to think that she might see some of her kinsfolk soon, and somehow the shadows of the trees seemed deeper. She made quite an efford to quench all thoughts of the past and immediate future. Still she couldn't help feeling that the sun was there to mock her.

Then it was there again. She had been feeling that faint presence now and then since the first ships from Middle-earth arrived, and had deemed it an unwelcome shadow from her past. It had always disappeared instantly at her silent reqest. But now her past would come back to her anyway. She took a deep breath, but spoke the words only in her mind.

"Welcome now, my Lady"

The presence grew stronger as she walked. Finally she chose a little clearing, sat down and spoke to the other one in words.

"If you would show yourself in raiment it might be easier to talk to you, my Lady ."

Celebrian did not wish to converse with her from mind to mind too much. She was Elronds ancestor, after all. Like always, Melian fulfilled her request. She stepped out of the forrest as a beautiful young maiden. Celebrian rose and spoke the first words of a formal greeting, but the other woman waved her to stop.

"We're not at court here, Celebrian, let's just skip that!"

Both sat down in the grass unceremoniously, and exchanged some chatter about the weather and flowers arround them, but Celebrian was still somewhat wary. "Are you here as a fellow mother or as Elronds elder?"

Melian smiled. "I am who I am. But Elrond is not my business today."

There was an awkward silence fore a moment, them Melian spoke again.

"I didn't have much of a chance to say farewell to Luthien either. And it was driving me slowly insane that I didn't know her husband better."

Celebrian said nothing.

"Well, at least I kind of understood her. She had her father's capacity for love and foolishness and my taste for unusual lovers."

"I understand my Undomiel well enough" answered Celebrian. "And I'm delighted to hear that it was love that finally made her coose death, not despair. If it is true what folks talk I am in my mother's dept for that."

"I was grieving deeply for Luthien nonetheless, and her father's grief doubled mine."

Melian smiled at Celebrian warmly.

"I need no pity."

"I did not come to pity you. But what about an opportunity to vent?"

Celebrian looked away.

"Come on. I'm no healer or wise-woman, help me a little bit on this." Melian said.

"You are an Ainu. Don't you know my heart?"

"Who am I to pry on you? I'm only a servant among my own folks, and your darn relative."

Now Celebrian smiled. "Didn't you know it way bevore? Don't all mothers have that extra sense?"

"I knew almost at birth that something was strange about Luthien. A star that shone to bright for this world, as the loremasters say now." Melian smiled to herself in memory. "But i would have never guessed that things might happen as they did."

"Well, I had the advantage of not being the first one to go through this. But still I saw it coming only when she was full grown, and I much wizened. That human gravity I percieved in Elrond appeared in her tenfold. I talked to her when we parted, and we took our leaves of each other, just in case."

Melian was astonished. "So you knew? - when you went -"

"Not how and when. But that she might leave Arda that way, yes."

Melian just looked at her with painful understanding.

"It was not the least of my reasons for leaving, to end the agony of this prolonged parting. I don't mourn my child any more. I've been done with that long ago. "

Melian stared blankly, the other mistook that for scorn. The women were silent for some time and still didn't realise that dusk was approaching, although the shadows of the trees darkened the place.

Celebrian spoke again first, softer than bevore now:

"Methinks we should not discuss this any further. Elrond is your offspring, after all, and you must have feelings for him too... And you've heard folks talking i believe..."

"I judge you not. Speaking my mind aloud did start my own healing process way back when."

Celebrian didn't respond, and Melian summoned all her courage to say some more.

"Rumor has it that those orcs did more to you than ordinary torment."

and after a a pause:

"I sense deeply hidden pain in you. Do I still guess the reason wrong?"

"Sure You do! Did you really think Galadriels daughter was THAT weak? I mean, had I planned to get away from Middle-earth so easily, I would have gone to Mandos there and then. What ever happened sent me through deepest darkness, but finally I came out of it stronger than bevore. But after that, I wouldn't bear any more self-inflicted pain."

"So why all those allusions to Elrond? He disaproved of your sailing west?"

"Well, not then. May be it was a relief for him too. I think we were never really meant for each other. Of course we firmly pretended it was because of my affliction, and swore each other love eternal, but we both dared not name The One in that oath. "

"A political marriage among elves?"

"Sort of – it worked out fine as such, didn't it?"

"You didn't love him?"

"I never said that. But sometimes it is love that makes things impossible to bear. "

"Whom do you tell that, dear!"

They opened their minds to each other directly for the first time, sharing a moment of mutual understanding and compassion. Celebrian had forsaken her loved one. And so had Melian, in a way.

After the moment was over, Melian did not need to urge Celebrian to go on.

"I never was a warrior, not even in the ways of a woman. I appreciated life, love and simple pleasures above all else. The same once was true of Elrond, if you want my oppinion, but the misfortunes of those times forced him to become a warlord. Even when he almost returned to the life of a healer he couldn't let go of his worries and griefs. I think he loved me because he saw in me what he would like to be, but could no longer. I cherished the elf he was meant to be, not the one he actually was. And his human traits made things worse. I never met another elf who was so deeply scarred by all that was, and yet so unable to let go of Middle-earth and bodiely life. His sorrow was draining me more than anything else, and my pain deepened his. Would I've had the courage to speak to him of such things, as I did to Arwen. That might have changed things for us both. And after all, he was a hero and would have deserved a more adequate spouse."

"At least I had the bliss of unmarred love for some time " Melian couldn't hide the pity in her voice, but that didn't matter any more.

"So had I, we were each other's starlight bevore we actually lived together. And the first centuries of marriage were not bad at all. We had the ecstasy of young love, and the wonders of parenthood. He was truly happy for some time, and I was able to be there for him in darker moments."

She smiled in memory.

" But at later times, our marriage was just not what I thought it should be. Most of the time Elrond only talked about his sorrow or his duties, when he talked to me at all. When I would no longer listen he burried himself in papers and endless meetings. I mean, it was not that I didn't feel for him, or he for me. I still can't really name what came between us. Elrond thought it was my frailty, but would never say a word. In the long run we found each other boring, too. I had small love for sad songs and old parchment, and he rarely noticed the plants and birds I brought along. Soon my Boys spent most of their time out in the wild, and Arwen rather lived at Lorien than at home. So did I. Being locked in that deep, small ravine had never really been to my taste. And Elrond just kept mumbling something about doom and duty."

Celebrian was almost crying now.

"You know, bevore that incident, I didn't see things so clearly as I now tell them. I was in fact a pampered little brat. For most of my life I had been in Lothlorien, that enchanted garden, and could live there like I would, not heeding Arda marred. When things started falling apart in our household I sulked and fretted like a child, and to make things worse I did so in silence. I blamed it on Elrond. Thought him to be an embittered old fool who would not open his heart to me. Blamed my parents for letting me marry him. I also blamed it on myself, but for the wrong reasons. But all along I tried to play the perfect wife because I believed that rubbish about duty, duty towards him and Arda. And when relaxed moments between us rekindled my love, his pain and my shame drove me crazy. "

"Still I did not know agony and defilement. It was only after I came to know them I could understand. Saw the depth of his scars for the first time then. But it was too late for our love, or at least for living together. I thought staying together would only make us hurt each other more. May be it also was that wound, after all. You know, the worst was over when I went, but I knew it would take time till I become my old self completely. Couldn't stand our troubles then, and hated to burden him with mine."

Celebrian was silent for some time, trying to regain some composure.

"In the end I told my children as much as I could without spoiling the image they had of their father. It was then that Arwen said gloomiely that she dredded the day of decicion, because of her very love for Middle-earth and things mortal. I'm glad she was so wise. But to him I spoke not when I should have. I love him and I long for him, couldn't stand it if he was here and shunned me."

"You fear he could?"

"Of course. He had many a lonely night to brood on why I really went. He must know it by now, but i'm not sure he truly understands."

"You still blame him?"

"Sure not!"

"And don't you think he is just as wise?"

Melian spoke now with all godly might she could muster, making Celebrian almost believe her.

Celebrian sat still for a while, watching the stars. Then she realized how sad Melian looked, and she knew why.

"He's still sitting in the halls of Mandos, isn't he?"

Melian nodded.

"Can't you talk to someone of the Valar, despite you are a handmaiden to them?"

"I did, only to learn that he's staying there by choice."

"Really?"

"Sure he had his own part in the downfall of Doriath and what happened later, but even the lesser ones of the kinslayers walk incarnate and free by now."

Celebrian just embraced her new-found friend. Then she looked up to the stars again, making silly remarks about their beauty. The rest of the night the two women sat there, exchanging cherished little stories about their loved ones, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes in audible words, sometimes not. But as dawn came, Melian became saddened again, all that talk of Thingol had brought back too many memories.

Ceelebrian was sympathetic. "You have to wait so much longer than me"

"I love him no less than ages ago. But I understand why he's not here, and have to accept that."

"You can't know what he really thinks, about you and the rest of it all. May be he has enough own regrets to brood on."

"I forsake his beloved people"

"I'm sure you had reasons. He ought to know that too."

"If only he ever realized what I really was – a Valar's handmaiden who usurped a throne by seducing the king!".

"He seduced you as much as you seduced him, and probably was incredibly proud of it. You say yourself that his self-confidence and pride were bordering on what the healers call delusions of grandeur. That was what kept him from seeing the truth."

"May be so. But that was also part of what made me love him so much. I'm sure he has heard how I deserted his people after his death, and would look at me no more while Arda lasts."

Celebrian laughed shortly "And to me you speak of wisdom and new starts!"

"But it's true."

"That's what you think. If the events have taught him anything at all, he will understand now very well what pain his deeds have brought onto you and others. Torment and approaching death do teach you, believe me. But the proudest often also have the greatest talent for self-hate and futile regret, should their pride fail. "

Celebrian was silent for a moment, as an incredible plan emerged in her thoughts.

"If you want to see him ever again, someone needs to shake some sense back into him. Mandos cares little for the whining of a dissapointed lover, or the woes of a neglected wife."

"If only I could follow him to where he went."

"you can't, my dear, but there are others who can."

Celebrian embraced her once more, grinning mischievously. Melian giggled and cried at the same time as she understood. The fair Ladies exchanged some more hushed whispers, then left the place in different directions, careful not to be spotted near each other.


End file.
